woah boy.

today has been rollercoaster of emotions and feelings and thoughts! i’m ready for sleep. enough said.

granddad.

you will be missed.

with your silly suspenders.

and always making me listen to a million versions of that song.

you are so missed, and so loved. everyday, everyday.

i’ve never lost a family member, or anyone for that matter. i cried, cried so hard while my mother rubbed my back. my poor father, god i wish i could be there for him – holding him – telling him it will be okay. hopefully he knows how much i love him. i know things will be solemn around the house for a while, and he will enter my thoughts from time to time. but the hurt will subside, it will subside with time.

 

i love you granddad.

no thanks.

I stress myself out way too much over these exams, and with having at least one every week till the end of the semester – i really do need a way to better let off some stress. Maybe that’s why I’m jumped back on the journal bandwagon once again.

On to more positive thoughts, Jon should be coming this weekend – I am quite excited about it. But at the same time I don’t want to get my hopes up too high about it in case something does go wrong (considering how upset I was last week when that went down). It’s always best to prepare myself in a manner where the unexpected can occur from now on. I feel like our relationship is beginning to improve but when I really think about it – I realize that’s only because we have swept everything under the carpet for now. There are still some areas where I am not truly happy – the distance for one, but there is nothing I can do about that. How he talks to me when we are bickering is another – I would never let anyone get away with saying things like I need to get my fucking head checked…but because I love him I just let it go right over my head. That’s not very fair to myself, and it surely doesn’t help out my confidence any. I really hope I can address that this weekend, and make him realize that phrases like that are just very inappropriate to say to someone who truly cares about you. And that if he keeps up with that, soon enough I will explode back on him with my own recipe of verbal abuse and that won’t be pretty.

 

anyways, my mom is vacuuming behind me and it’s making my head explode, CIAO!

sunset.

Been home alone all day, my mind wandering and wrapping itself around every thought as usual. Idealism, idealism, idealism – i find myself desiring to know more and more about what exactly idealism is. I feel like I am only touching the very surface of the philosophical idea. I want to wrap myself up in it and know every detail. feel warmth in that knowledge. i think i am slowly beginning to realize that learning is my passion, knowledge is my one true love in life. i could stay up all hours of the night just researching past ideas of brilliant minds and feel like i am floating on cloud nine. knowledge is my hobby, the one thing that keeps me happy at all times and never lets me down. it’s quite beautiful. it is a shame that i do not feel like i have anyone else to communicate such ideas with but it would be stupid of me to think that anyone else could take such pleasure in the way a mind works and thinks.

 

now realism – what a silly philosophical idea. to not factor the mind, the most powerful tool, into your view of reality. i just don’t understand. thoughts make this world, your mind makes the images that appear in front of you. whose to say my blue isn’t your green or visa versa. our world is all about perception. PERCEPTION! your view makes the world. to simply believe that what is – IS and nothing more is simply just cynical. then you would be quite happy with the buddhist view that life is just suffering. because without thought – reality is miserable, our world is miserable. it’s in thought that we find the beauty in the cracks. but anyways enough of my silly ranting in this silly little journal. we shall see how long i keep this up for.

today is my parents 25th anniversary, days like this make me realize how lucky i am to have two parents who still love each other just as much as the day they got married. beautiful really.

 

maybe looking at my parents has spurred my relationship with jon into full gear – he has honestly become the absolute love of my life. who would have ever thought? Sarah Michelle Newport head over heels in love. Every single word of his lights my face up and makes me miss him even more. Tomorrow night I will be seeing his gorgeous face again and I can’t wait.

 

life can’t get any better than this, or can it?

love, oh love. love. love. love.

you have me wrapped around your finger, love. you are not letting me go right now – and honestly i don’t ever want you to. hold on to me tight, love.

he’s all i’ve ever dreamed of. and my heart blossoms at the mere thought of him. his voice, his words, him. him. all of him.

that’s my update.

headache.

i’m not enjoying life today at all.

*

*

so i just took a xanax and smoked the remaining bowl that i had left over from almost two weeks ago. damn. i feel almost a little guilty but i need a good nights rest and i know this will help me fall asleep. or at least HOPEFULLY it will or there is a good chance i will feel bad for what i just did. i don’t do this stuff alone, or in person that often but my body is physically aching from the schedule it’s on. oh well – no more “excuses” because that what it is even sounding to myself at the moment.

today was good. a classic lazy sunday – full of bullshit television and random texts from the jonny boy and not a lot of bother from the rents. wasn’t too bad at all – i needed today. 

think me and my italian stallion have finally gotten over the hill – i no longer have that biting tone in me, i just find myself wanting to be super cute. man oh man has this boy got me head over heels or what? maybe i should start acting exactly how i care or maybe i should just work towards being okay with feeling that way towards him. it scares me a little, i won’t lie. he has rooted himself inside my heart, i care. i care so deeply. i don’t want to lose him anytime soon – he’s become a best friend to me. i talk to him more than i talk to anyone which is ironic considering he lives in a completely different city and usually we only see each other once a week. but he knows me, he knows me better than any of my friends do. and for the first time i am in a happy relationship, after all the bullshit i’ve gone through with guys – i’ve finally found someone who i just connect with. we work – it’s as simple as that. and even now i wouldn’t mind if he was sitting beside me reading this but he already knows all these things and if by some chance he doesn’t know then im not afraid to expose such things to him. he deserves to know, he deserves the best. and just the thought of him makes the corners of my lips rise. he’s the moon in my sky. he gives the absolute sweetest kisses and boy am i picky with kissing but he has IT. that “IT” factor. there is so much thought and feeling and effort in every single kiss, everytime he touches my lips it feels like it’s the very first kiss. someone was finally able to catch my heart, funny how life works out. 

 

<3

another week.

been so busy the past week, only night i was home was tuesday. that type of schedule just takes a real toll on a person – mentally and physically.

carnival was fine, got real loopy and ended up spending a good amount of time just sitting in the middle of the road and talking with friends and smoking cigs. jon paid more attention to me than normal considering i brought the whole ‘issue’ to his attention but come friday – i felt like the old him was back and that i was just another girl. oh well. some drama went down between others and it kind of put a damper on everyones’ night considering because of that and my angst towards jon we ended up talking for most of the night and well it didn’t exactly end with us wrapped in each other arms that’s for sure. BUT saturday got a little better, and this morning before he left i felt like MAYBE just MAYBE things are gonna get back to normal between us. because if things keep up in this direction im not gonna be able to ride this rollercoaster very much longer.

 

monday madness?

my heart aches.

i realized something quite painful last night, something that shouldn’t really affect me in any way but it does. i’m stronger than this. why do i feel so weak in the knees on this. is it my problem that i never feel like he treats me any different than other girls when we are downtown/pulp. should i really be so offended by this notion? yes. i should. this all makes SO MUCH SENSE, this is exactly why i am lacking in confidence when it comes to our relationship and future. he tells me thing such as: that i’m his world, his photosynthesis, his brightest little firefly. YET he treats me like i am just another girl at the club. and to that i do use my famous quote “FUCK THAT SHIT.” it hurts my feelings and my mind refuses to overlook it anymore. BUT besides all that – i had a lovely night with caroline and robby and hugo and all those silly orlando kids….seems like almost everyone i bumped into complimented me on my dress, but not my own boyfriend? actually now that i think about it when does he ever tell me i look adorable or cute when we are out somewhere. oh well. tomorrow is another day.

speaking of tomorrow – LA RIOTS at carnival, not sure if he will be there but most likely. i already have knots beginning to tie themselves in my stomach just thinking about it.