weekend.

jon couldn’t come down due to having too much on his plate with school/work this weekend. so instead I…

went to castle on thursday – drunk. hung out with harley, robby, hillary, brandi, chris, sierra and chase…saw a lot of others as well. 

then went to pulp on friday…had a great time. besides that one creep that kept grabbing my ass while he was dancing with brandi’s friend. not to mention him later bragging to me about some no name band and then spilling his drink down my back…can we say CREEPY? 

and  then last night was darrens 21st birthday…lets just say i’m glad i only lived two minutes away or that drive would have been horrible. hahahahaha anyways, today is my lazy day.

miss my boyfriend.

happy

happy happy happy happy happy!

besides having to go to class from 3 to 8…LAME.

but besides that happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happpppppppyyyyyyy.

 

 

for now

late night.

just got home, from a great night with friends. i love robby, harley, chris, and hillary. andddd being silly and not giving a fuck. i feel i’m still a little bit tipsy…which should help me actually get to sleep tonight.

i’m not sure if i care to apply at urban anymore, money is nice. but do i realistically have the time to manage a job on top of everything right now? eh maybe. or maybe i just don’t want to wake up and go apply early tomorrow – that could be it as well. i’m lazy….

i miss jon. i love him so dearly. we grow as a couple everyday and i can’t wait to live with him…well one day.

spirit.

my spirit feels as if it has been lifted.

fresh start. fresh heart.

i have a feeling things are going to start looking a lot brighter around here.

 

and maybe getting a job at urban outfitters? discount would be nice.

did i mention how much i love my boyfriend ? he really is my best friend.

i love him

i love him

so much.

i don’t know what to do right now. he speaks that our relationship is slowly coming to an end. i’m scared to lose him. but at the same time i don’t want to bother him at the moment. but my mind is racing, my mind is going crazy. should i write an e-mail? should i just call him? no…i can’t – he has that exam, i have to let him study without stress. i will have to suffer so that he can devote himself to his studies.

i just don’t want him to give up.

he’s my everything.

i feel like i have smashed face first into a brick wall.

no where to go.

i finally had the balls to just tell jon that i’m not feeling very special or loved in our relationship and in turn i basically get yelled at. way to make me feel even more miserable. just because you did nice things and were perfect a few months ago doesn’t mean that carries over into the here and now. how hard is that to understand? am i just supposed to wait for things to return to normal so i can feel happy with us again?

AHHHHHHHHHHHH.

buddhism test today, bye.

my relationship.

feels lacking.

i want to feel like i’m loved.

like this relationship is going somewhere.

like i’m missed and wanted.

toothpick.

should i even elaborate on this weekend? it was hard and rough. cried so hard. so that’s all i will say about it. rest in peace granddad, you will be missed.

 

i’m really just looking forward to this coming weekend – i truly feel that i’m making grounds in some of my current friendships. i like feeling like i have good friends again should be an interesting weekend to say the least

teeth hurt.

now i’m really getting into using this thing – it’s a nice way to get out emotions and thoughts.

the funeral is saturday. valentines day. kind of bums me out, but that just makes me feel selfish and wrong for being upset that now my saturday with jon is ruined – i shouldn’t be thinking that way. i didn’t cry today. i smiled and laughed like normal. certain aspects are still haunting my thoughts but as i explained to bobby last night – i’ve accepted it and i’ve begun to move on. there are just things in life that you can not control – you just have to roll with the punches. but no matter…

 

so basically i’ll have one day with jon this weekend, after not seeing him for three weeks. and who knows when i will see him next. it’s beginning to create a disconnect with us – or at least i feel like he’s lost some interest in me…but maybe i’m once again just looking too far into things and creating something out of nothing. but i feel like his language through text is even lacking and just plain different. i want him to tell me how much he misses me and loves me and just flirt with me all night. communication is THE KEY when it comes to long distance relationships and i just feel like i’m making all the effort to create conversation or say cute things. but things just seem so serious and stiff with him. i’m hoping this is just a phase, i’m willing to do anything to help him unstress and relax because i do know he is overwhelmed right now. just sucks that in the mean time i have to feel neglected on some level.

cold dust girl.

love this song, anyways -

life is sending me for a real trip. i’m unable to truly latch on to any thoughts without it all just overflowing and overwhelming me. jon seems a little distant – but i know he is busy and stressed to the brink so i just have to deal with it and try to be there for him. it makes me lonely though, i mean when other friends are texting me more than jon then something is up hah. bobby seems to think i’m turning into a little hippie which is comical, in some ways i am. with all the chinese philosophy i’ve been absorbing – as well as my buddhist class. i’m just bound to feel a little more connected to this world and what is going on in it.

 

i wish my mind was clear though.