Tinywolf’s Weblog

i’m not enjoying life today at all.

so i just took a xanax and smoked the remaining bowl that i had left over from almost two weeks ago. damn. i feel almost a little guilty but i need a good nights rest and i know this will help me fall asleep. or at least HOPEFULLY it will or there is a good chance i will feel bad for what i just did. i don’t do this stuff alone, or in person that often but my body is physically aching from the schedule it’s on. oh well - no more “excuses” because that what it is even sounding to myself at the moment.

today was good. a classic lazy sunday - full of bullshit television and random texts from the jonny boy and not a lot of bother from the rents. wasn’t too bad at all - i needed today. 

think me and my italian stallion have finally gotten over the hill - i no longer have that biting tone in me, i just find myself wanting to be super cute. man oh man has this boy got me head over heels or what? maybe i should start acting exactly how i care or maybe i should just work towards being okay with feeling that way towards him. it scares me a little, i won’t lie. he has rooted himself inside my heart, i care. i care so deeply. i don’t want to lose him anytime soon - he’s become a best friend to me. i talk to him more than i talk to anyone which is ironic considering he lives in a completely different city and usually we only see each other once a week. but he knows me, he knows me better than any of my friends do. and for the first time i am in a happy relationship, after all the bullshit i’ve gone through with guys - i’ve finally found someone who i just connect with. we work - it’s as simple as that. and even now i wouldn’t mind if he was sitting beside me reading this but he already knows all these things and if by some chance he doesn’t know then im not afraid to expose such things to him. he deserves to know, he deserves the best. and just the thought of him makes the corners of my lips rise. he’s the moon in my sky. he gives the absolute sweetest kisses and boy am i picky with kissing but he has IT. that “IT” factor. there is so much thought and feeling and effort in every single kiss, everytime he touches my lips it feels like it’s the very first kiss. someone was finally able to catch my heart, funny how life works out. 

<3

been so busy the past week, only night i was home was tuesday. that type of schedule just takes a real toll on a person - mentally and physically.

carnival was fine, got real loopy and ended up spending a good amount of time just sitting in the middle of the road and talking with friends and smoking cigs. jon paid more attention to me than normal considering i brought the whole ‘issue’ to his attention but come friday - i felt like the old him was back and that i was just another girl. oh well. some drama went down between others and it kind of put a damper on everyones’ night considering because of that and my angst towards jon we ended up talking for most of the night and well it didn’t exactly end with us wrapped in each other arms that’s for sure. BUT saturday got a little better, and this morning before he left i felt like MAYBE just MAYBE things are gonna get back to normal between us. because if things keep up in this direction im not gonna be able to ride this rollercoaster very much longer.

my heart aches.

i realized something quite painful last night, something that shouldn’t really affect me in any way but it does. i’m stronger than this. why do i feel so weak in the knees on this. is it my problem that i never feel like he treats me any different than other girls when we are downtown/pulp. should i really be so offended by this notion? yes. i should. this all makes SO MUCH SENSE, this is exactly why i am lacking in confidence when it comes to our relationship and future. he tells me thing such as: that i’m his world, his photosynthesis, his brightest little firefly. YET he treats me like i am just another girl at the club. and to that i do use my famous quote “FUCK THAT SHIT.” it hurts my feelings and my mind refuses to overlook it anymore. BUT besides all that - i had a lovely night with caroline and robby and hugo and all those silly orlando kids….seems like almost everyone i bumped into complimented me on my dress, but not my own boyfriend? actually now that i think about it when does he ever tell me i look adorable or cute when we are out somewhere. oh well. tomorrow is another day.

speaking of tomorrow - LA RIOTS at carnival, not sure if he will be there but most likely. i already have knots beginning to tie themselves in my stomach just thinking about it. 

so much for trying to keep this journal updated on the daily basis. but i can’t blame myself for the slacking considering i am just now enjoying my alone time for the week. monday i went to crush with melissa and watched her get way too drunk, but hugo was there to show me a good time and better yet he came back to tampa with me till carnival. got way too drunk before carnival and ended up puking in the car garage before we even walked in - it’s like a new routine for me, my liver is starting to hate alcohol. got into it a little with my jonathan but he apologized to no end and really opened up to me that night which helped install back some of that prior confidence i had in us. still not at one hundred precent but i’m quite close to it. spent the rest of the weekend in orlando - and honestly had a really amazing time. saturday was jon’s sisters graduation which went very well (even if i only had four hours of sleep the night before). got to meet an uncle and grandmother of his and both seemed to enjoy my conversations and company so hopefully i made a really good impression with him. jon and i have been together for five months now, that is just CRAZY to me. never ever would i have thought i would find myself in a quite serious relationship at this point in my life but im happy about it, oh so happy. that kid makes me smile like no other - he’s just an insane as i am and somehow that works for us :) 

oh yeah and i passed all my classes this semester and i finally confronted my mother about her negative attitude towards me moving out again and i believe we overcame it. considering she mentioned going furniture shopping - so we shall see what summer brings my way.

my sleeping habits have officially gone from bad to worse. but it’s not all TOO bad, i enjoy being awake while everyone else is on adventures in their dreams. hopefully not too many of my friends are experiencing nightmares right now. well anyways, my sleeping habits are BAD - no matter how much i secretly like it. the sun seems to rise before my eyes can close and remain closed. seems friday night was the only day i can remember not seeing the sun peering in through my window but maybe that is only because i was calling it a night in another bedroom or maybe because i had smoked earlier in the evening? who knows. seems my life is one big question and this new blog of mine seems to be the answer or antidote really.

seems odd that i distanced myself from writing daily for so long. months now it has been, since i had my own journal. 

update on life, same old. school bullshit. wanting a job. wanting to move out at the beginning of july. FINALLY get my license back june 17th. 20th birthday this summer - maybe i shouldn’t hate summer so much. it seems there is a chance there might be a large amount of transformation and happiness in my future. so i apologize summer, i misjudged you a little. but you are way too warm for my liking and people party way too much during you. maybe instead of everyone going out and getting trashed every night they should dedicate one night a week to filling their minds with knowledge - either from a book or from an intelligent being or scientific television show. the sharing of knowledge is amazing, my mind craves it to no end. tell me more, tell me more.

oh but really this journal is simply going to be a daily upkeep of my thoughts, my reactions, my feelings and experiences. and while tossing and turning in my bed as usual - i find myself eventually giving into the demons and reaching for my laptop. and stupid little tidbit on myspace made me smile, thanks to a jonathan paul eves. which i’m sure will be mentioned quite a lot in the entries to come.

life.

life in a nutshell?

summer has begun and i find myself desiring fall to come as quickly as possible. four months till the normal routinue of school kicks back up. i don’t want to wait that long, i want to get school over with as fast as possible - and find myself in boston or new york or chicago or any ‘actual’ city. oh how my spirit and mind crave to live in a big city. taking the subway everywhere, wandering the streets late at night with pals, walking right out of my apartment and into life. i want that, i will have that. but time is my enemy, for only in time will my dream of being in that city come to be. i am so eager to grab life by the horns and throw it around a little. tampa isn’t me, never has been and never will be. maybe the move to ybor city this summer will help curve my disgust for tampa - because i do wish i liked this town. i really do. i mean it does have a little potential, right?